An astrological forecast for degenerate gamblers for the month of September 2017

Virgo      Virgo   August 23 - September 22
84.7 percent probability of a bad week. Avoid any wagers over $37. Don't even THINK of going to a native american casino.

Libra          Libra   September 23 - October 22
Now is the time to go all in! Dame Fortune is smiling on you!! Bet your life savings on the Tampa Bay Rays!!!

Scorpio  Scorpio   October 23 - November 21
Don't borrow money from guys named Leo or Rico. Try playing some blackjack. A bad, bad, bad, bad beat looms on the last Tuesday of the month.

Sagittarius       Sagittarius   November 22 - December 21
Your favorite teams may let you down. If you've never bet on a greyhound race, now may be the time. Dreams of a big, big score may finally pan out.

CapricornCapricorn   December 22 - January 19
Learn how to play Omaha poker. Bet on a WNBA game, any game, it doesn't matter. A hot tip from the track will fatten your bankroll.

Aquarius          Aquarius   January 20 - February 18
It takes money to make money. PGA tournaments are not good for you. Don't slow play pocket eights.

Pisces       Pisces   February 19 - March 20
Good money management turns losing into a profit. Avoid poker games at all costs. Make that parlay you've been thinking about.

AriesAries   March 21 - April 19
A losing streak looms, but don't worry. Double up to catch up! Bet the 1-4-5 trifecta box at the track, any track, any race. Bet, bet, bet!

Taurus     Taurus   April 20 - May 20
An ATM can be your best friend. Beware of men in striped shirts. There's a hold 'em seat waiting for you at the card club.

GeminiGemini   May 21 - June 21
The ponies beckon! Avoid temptation to go on tilt after a tough loss. Valium can be your best friend. Bet on an N.L. Central game!

Cancer        Cancer   June 22 - July 22
Do NOT bet on any soccer games. The Four of Spades has bad news for you. Don't be afraid to buy a lottery ticket.

Leo   Leo   July 23 - August 22
Avoid Virgos like the plague. A big score awaits in a Toronto Blue Jays game. Number 11,052 is lucky for you.

Unleaded IG

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